This week I was a guest speaker at the National SaILS Conference. I spoke about my childhood journey through adversity and pain. I highlighted the failings of many services, including social care, education and healthcare.
This got me thinking about how all the trauma I went through at such a young age left me broken, angry, untrusting and vulnerable. This made me the perfect target for grooming and exploitation. Although when I was growing up there wasn't a name for it. I was already desensitised to domestic abuse, and drugs and drug dealing had already been normalised. I believe this made me attractive to those who wanted to exploit me.
Looking back at my actions while growing up, it's clear to me now that I was crying out for help. I was crying out to be noticed. I was crying out for someone to care. I couldn't show any weakness so I became the master of crying without any visible tears. However, on the inside I wept. I bawled. I broke down.
Now when working with young people I am able to see the signs of trauma. They are minuscule, and to the untrained eye can go unnoticed. Just as I did when I was a child. Those quiet moments when with a young person who has experienced trauma, remind me of when my own quiet tears were forming on the inside.
For the young people I work with I ensure that I remain present. Even if they want to be silent for the entire session, at least I am there in that space with them. It only takes one person to make the change in a young persons life. One person to show that young person they are valued. I strive every day to be that person for those I work with, as I know only too well the emptiness and sadness it brings when there is no one.
The questions I'm left asking myself have always been, who is to be blamed ? Is it me or childrens services ? Do I take full responsibility for everyone else's failings ? Would my life been any different if interventions were put in place ? The answer is always the same... I'll never know.
Comments